You may want to sit down for this one.

"Yeah, I'm an attention whore. That's the business that I'm in. I'd love to be on TV once a week."—Chael Sonnen (as reported by MMAWeekly.com)

Good to know, Chael—it will be my pleasure to oblige you. After all—there’s no such thing as bad publicity, right?

“The only thing worse than being talked about, is not being talked about.”—Oscar Wilde

Maybe I watched too many infomercials as a kid, but I utterly refuse to believe everything that is force-fed to me through the media (or from Dana “Cro Cop is Fine” White). There just always seems to be some sort of an underlying motivation—a calculating plan.

“Don’t believe everything that you read on the Internet.”—Brock Lesnar

In case you missed it, Chael Sonnen lost to Anderson Silva a few weeks back at UFC 117 via a triangle armbar submission.

Subsequent to that evening, many had criticized Sonnen for “tapping out like a b!tch” (thank you Master Zen) after he had dominated nearly 23-minutes of that fight, but c’mon guys—so what if that fight was for the UFC middleweight championship against a man described by many as the pound-for-pound greatest fighter in the world?

It obviously hurt a whole bunch. I mean seriously—who the heck would expect a guy to finish out the final minute of a fight (that he was clearly winning) with a broken arm, anyway?

That’s right!

No one.

[cough...Rich Franklin...cough]

Okay, okay...I joke.

Sonnen’s capacities for pain tolerance and submission defence are clearly “awesome amazing.” Is that what the Sonnenites want to hear?

Maybe Sonnen was just too distracted and worried about the general health of his good friend, Lance Armstrong (wow, what a noble humanitarian), that he couldn’t concentrate on his own task at hand, as he eventually gave up?

“Lance Armstrong did a number of things and he gave himself cancer. He cheated, he did drugs, and he gave himself cancer.

“Well, instead of saying ‘Hey listen, I cheated and gave myself cancer, don’t be like me,’ he actually made himself the victim and then went out and profited something like $15 million from this ‘Hey, poor me, let’s find a cure for cancer’ campaign instead of just coming clean and saying, ‘Look, here’s what I did, I screwed myself up, and I hope people learn from my mistakes.’”—Hispanic-sounding Sonnen

Wow, don’t you just love hind-sight?

“My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch”—Jack Nicholson

BREAKING NEWS!!!

A sample from Sonnen's August 6th drug test came back with high T/E (testosterone-to-estrogen) levels, which is also indicative of anabolic steroid use. The California State Athletic Commission learned of the results on September 2nd and immediately ordered a second test, which also came back positive for steroid use.

“NOOOOOoooooo!!!!! Say it ain’t so, Chael! Say it ain’t so?!” begged the 10-year-old boy, as he reluctantly crumpled up his brand new ‘Vote Chael Sonnen for President’ poster and tossed it in the trash bin.

What a great role-model, eh kids?

“A hypocrite despises those whom he deceives, but has no respect for himself. He would make a dupe of himself too, if he could.”—William Hazlitt

The bad news: the re-match with Silva is off. We won’t get to see Sonnen quit for a second time. Oh darn.

The good news: Unlike the Carwin situation, which had him directly linked to steroids from years previous (he was probably just buying them for a friend), the topic of steroids has now become a very high-profile issue, thanks in part to Mr. Sonnen. And luckily, the majority of MMA fans want something to be done about it.

Thank you, Chael.

Let me guess? That was your plan all along...

To save MMA by making an example out of what “not” to do.

Brilliant!

[Standing Ovation]

I really admire your dedication and selfless attitude towards helping the greater good of our sport. You sir, are a true hero. I have always been a big fan of social experiments, but this one beats them all—hands down.

I guess that explains why you admitted to taking a banned substance while you were in the process of getting tested. It was all part of the master plan.

It makes perfect sense now, you wanted to get caught!

It’s a total win-win situation for you. You get to keep your name in the media—sweet deal. And knowing how the majority of fans feel about steroids, you see this as something that will completely blow over in a few weeks time (which if history serves correctly—will probably be correct and this whole mess will soon be forgotten about).

After all, getting busted for steroids just isn’t the career-breaker that it used to be.

In the meantime, people will continue to talk about you and before you know it—you’re a household name.

It’s like magic.

I mean seriously, how can you not admire this guy?

And while Sonnen is reaping the rewards from being the classic “heel” (WWE anyone?), the fans will be the ones who are left holding the bag—left to debate and argue the issues of performance enhancing drugs and their place in our society and athletic associations.

Fans will be spinning their wheels until they are eventually (and painfully) resolved to “agree to disagree.”

Nothing will have changed and nothing will have been accomplished, thus exonerating Chael Sonnen for a deed that all too many athletes are guilty of anyway—only they weren’t stupid (or unlucky) enough to get caught.

Chael Sonnen isn’t to blame—it’s societies fault, right? Blame society. Sonnen shouldn’t have to take any accountability for himself or his actions because it would be completely unfair to expect that Sonnen should have to act like a responsible grown-up.

For all we know, Sonnen was framed by the California State Athletic Commission.

Which brings up another great question; how should the UFC handle the issue of PED’s moving forward?

I think Josh Gross from SI.com said it best:

“Dana White can use his bully pulpit today and tell the MMA world that fighters caught with steroids in their system won't have a place in the UFC. It certainly won't stop everyone, but it may force enough to pause, think and question if it's really worth the risk.

“The money's too big and consequences aren't big enough—that much is clear, because it keeps happening.

“The use of this stuff is also, clearly, cheating, which should hopefully still mean something. Bottom line, it doesn't have any place in MMA, let alone the biggest promotion in the world. Will there always be people who do anything they can to get to the top? Yes. But I can't fathom there would be as many in MMA if White and the Fertittas stop allowing fighters who test dirty to use the UFC platform for money or fame.”

Makes sense, right?

I hope Mr. White agrees:

“When one of them fails a test, the government is going to fine them and suspend them and tell them they can’t make a living for a year. So should I come in after they’ve already lost the ability to make a living for a year and been fined all this money and, in the worst economic disaster in the history of the world, fine them another huge amount and take away their ability to make a living even longer?

“What else can you do to a human being?”

[Quietly Weeping]

Well that certainly seems like a slightly different sentiment to say the least. I don’t exactly get the feeling that Dana White shares the same view as those who would just as soon see steroids abolished from sporting competitions all-together.

I wonder if Mr. White even realizes what a unique and special position he is in right now to actually make a positive difference, and not just in MMA, but quite possibly in all professional sports?

And to answer his question…

Uhhh...here’s a thought Dana...tell them to go get a job “in the worst economic disaster in the history of the world” like everybody else!

Are we supposed to feel sorry for these “cheaters” because they are presumably too ill-equipped to function in normal society?

Maybe we should all feel sorry for them because they are lesser athletes and shouldn’t even be in the position that they are in to begin with—thus taking a job away from a “real” athlete—someone more deserving (now there’s the real travesty of the unemployed).

Sorry, but asking us to feel sorry for these guys is a brutal (and ridiculous) request.

“That’s a YP—not an MP. Your problem—not my problem”—Boogie Nights

Ah Christ, maybe we should just legalize the damn stuff and let all of the athletes (and our kids) harm themselves for our selfish amusement (and betting lines). That would be awesome!

We can certainly make it worth their while—fame, money, cars—materialism at it’s finest.

Tell you what—scrap that idea. Let’s make a deal right here, and right now.

What’s in the past can stay in the past (yes Shane, this applies to you too). Let’s be proactive and forget all about being retroactive.

You took steroids? That was a less than honest mistake, but it happened. I sincerely do not think that you (the athlete) should be punished ‘today’ for something that you did in the past.

Let’s just worry about the ‘now.’

Moving forward, there should be a zero tolerance and no forgiveness policy.

It’s a new day, and everyone is officially put on notice. From now on, no one gets a free pass.

If you take steroids—you’re out for good.

Sound fair?

Sure these athletes could always go and work for another Organization, but don’t worry—for every fighter that leaves the UFC—10 more with the same or better skill-set will be waiting to take his place. It’s definitely their loss.

So anyway, where does that leave our good buddy and upstanding citizen, Chael Sonnen?

Don’t worry Chael. Your good deed will not go unrewarded. You will still have the support of your loyal and forgiving fans.

“Well, I know Sonnen has got to be pissed at his supplier! All hyped up on roids and can't finish a guy with a rib injury that he dominated for 99% of the fight? I hope that crap came with a money-back guarantee! If he paid more for his "cheater juice" than the fine he has to pay, that would certainly add insult to injury. He has no one to blame but himself. I hope his appeal is laughed at by the judge.”—Marc, MMA Fight Fan

I, for one, am really looking forward to Chael Sonnen’s upcoming press release.

Maybe he can read it to all of us using his sexy Hispanic accent?

“Never trust a mechanic who doesn’t drive, a bartender who doesn’t drink, or a politician who doesn’t know how to lie.”—Me

Muchas gracias.